Armageddon… outa here!

April 18th, 2008 | by | old season

Apr
18

Welcome, Brothers and Sisters. Let us, for a moment, give praises for the fact that we are still safely here and that, in His infinite mercy, He decided not to destroy us like the filthy sinners that we are.

Let me explain.

It all started a few weeks ago when, in my mailbox, I received tidings of a terrible reckoning to come. In His wisdom, He obviously chose to warn the sinful city of Cape Town, because you have to be quite familiar with the size of the mountain to really get scared by this. Click on it, and behold His Awesome Power.

For He is Killer Jebuz, the Christzilla, the only anointed Son of Godzilla (obviously!), who, in His might, wipes entire suburbs from the face of the mountain with the backs of His hands.

He is Alive! He is coming for you in 2008, and unless you repent, he will send you to the Bellville Civic Centre.

His crown of thorns is made out of wrecked space-elevators, and His shadowy eyes burn with the darkness of our souls. I don’t mind telling you, it scares the Bejesus out of me.

Go with Christzilla. Amen.

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More Odd Avertisements

April 12th, 2008 | by | old season

Apr
12

A very long time ago, a shared a few examples of the very strange ads that arrive in my post box.

I’ve collected my favourites from the last few months so that we can revisit this very uplifting subject.

The award for worst grammar on a business card goes to Pro Shades for this little number in the season’s hottest fashion colour.


The special spelling award goes to an anonymous advertiser that assures of that his services come with good price. Whoever the craftsman, his flyers really crake me up!


Finally, in the established genre of advertising for traditional healers, we are thrilled to award Dr Mapesa for his latest creating, Sex Problems. This was passed to me by Kyknoord, either as a referral or a nomination.


Come back next next time to read our exposé on the greatest danger the immoral city of Cape Town has ever faced, praise Jesus! Until then, go with Christ!

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Seven Years Late – Follow Up

April 7th, 2008 | by | old season

Apr
07

The letter quoted in my previous entry was published by the Tabletalk last week. They didn’t use the picture, but they did a masterful job of editing it to compensate.

For those wondering what the fuss was about, here is the original front-page of the article. I hardly think that the rest of it merits posting, as this give you all of the kookiness you need:

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Seven Years Late

March 29th, 2008 | by | old season

Mar
29

Seven years after new photographs destroyed the bizarre Face on Mars theory, my local community newspaper, the Tabletalk, has announced the possible extra-terrestrial origins of the human race in a front-page article that features the face prominently.

I shall be posting the image as soon as my scanner works again. In the mean time, I wrote the following letter.

Dear Sir or Madam

When arguing against the theories of Melkbosstrand writer Wayne Herschel (Facing Our Past, Table Talk, 19 March 2008), there is something far more effective than mentioning thousands of years of cultural history, a century of evolutionary science, and the fact that Dan Brown, whom he seems to believe is a serious scientific researcher, is actually a self-declared novelist, who makes stuff up for a living.

This would be to point out the preposterousness of his composite image of the so called “Face on Mars” that graces the front page of your newspaper.

The accompanying image shows one of the 1976 photographs on the left, and a 2001 photograph on the right. The bad photo looks face-like. The good one does not. Mr Herschel has reduced the quality of the good photograph by superimposing the bad one. He has done this in order to create a more compelling image, or perhaps an image that seems to show something which does not exist.

Thousands of academics all over the world have advanced human knowledge through the application of scientific methodology, and announced their findings in peer-reviewed journals. Mr Herschel’s work is constrained by no such process of validation and verification. As fascinating as his ideas are, we need to recognise that he is not so different from Dan Brown after-all, and that his works are nothing more than speculative fiction.

Andrew Freeborn
Table View

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Racism Unmasked: L. Ron Hubbard

February 10th, 2008 | by | old season

Feb
10

In celebration of a day of worldwide protest against the Church of Scientology organised by the shadowy hacker group Anonymous, I’ve decided to share some history that I have recently discovered.

L. Ron Hubbard, the founder of the Church of Scientology, spent a considerable amount of time living in South Africa, and the then Rhodesia, where he frequently wrote to members of the white minority governments of both territories. You can see pictures of his Johannesburg home here.

Hubbard’s time in Africa influenced many aspects of Scientology. For example, one activity that Scientology prescribes for members of some ranks is the security check. The Scientologist holds the cans of an E-Meter while responding to a rapid-fire list of questions. While living in Johannesburg, Hubbard developed the Johannesburg Security Check, which he described as, “the roughest security check in Scientology.” Most of the questions are crime related and include, “Have you ever murdered anyone?” and, “Have you ever raped anyone?”, as well as this absolute zinger:

“Have you ever slept with a member of a race of another color?”

Of course, times change and the Johannesburg Security Check was subsequently replaced by the Only Valid Security Check, which has a slightly different set of questions including, “Have you ever had unkind thoughts about L. Ron Hubbard?”

Religion, as we all know, works in mysterious ways. It would perhaps exceed the level of unkindness that Mr Hubbard merits for him to be branded as a racist based on the Johannesburg Security Check alone. After all, according to the Church of Scientology itself, Hubbard was a liberal who devoted his time in Africa to fostering human rights and encouraging governments to extend the franchise to people of all races.

A greater understanding of his views on race relations can be attained from his open support of the apartheid township policy in a letter to Dr H. F. Verwoerd, the “architect of apartheid”:

“Having viewed slum clearance projects in most major cities of the world may I state that you have conceived and created in the Johannesburg townships what is probably the most impressive and adequate resettlement activity in existence.” – L. Ron Hubbard

Hubbard’s ingrained racism does not stop there. Like “security checks”, Scientology includes “rundowns“, a set of procedures designed to address specific problems. South Africa is unique in that there is a rundown specifically for her citizens, the South African Rundown. According to Mr Hubbard himself, it was necessary to create a rundown specifically for South Africans because:

“The South African native is probably the one impossible person to train in the entire world – he is probably impossible by any human standard.” – L. Ron Hubbard

The sources for these quotations have not been checked thoroughly due to the unavailability to me of original documents. I’ve been careful to use only material that has been property referenced in other sources, to which all links have been included. A big-up to Martin for drawing my attention to these utterances in the first place.

By no means do I mean to imply that the Church of Scientology is a racist organisation. The Church of Scientology is a cruel, deceitful and manipulative organisation just like any other church. The evidence suggests very strongly, however, that L. Ron Hubbard, their founder and the object of their personality cult, was a racist in the purest definition of the word, and did not consider applying of his apparently inexhaustible arcane knowledge to the upliftment of those who suffered oppression in the countries he visited. Oppressed people tend to have less money than their oppressors. One must wonder if these two facts are connected.

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Music for Gangsters and Drug Addicts

December 17th, 2007 | by | old season

Dec
17

As many of you know, I delight in collecting the flyers of church organisations and sharing them with you here on my blog. In recent months it has become clear to me that the churches of my home suburb are overflowing, and that the demand for salvation is far outstripping supply. My mailbox has been bereft of interesting brochures that promise me personal redemption, or a glimpse into the future.

How much more special, therefore, it was to find this example. Folded into a compact square, with the corners literally chewed off, it called to me from a crack into which it had been wedged on the outside of one of my client’s offices. Powerful Preachings. Special Music. How glad I am that this fell into my hands instead of those of another, who might actually have gone to hear the powerful testimonies.

Besides, as I understood it, testifying is usually the last thing a drug addict or gangster is expected to do.

I have been very blessed, and you have been very kind.

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Radio Blasphemy

December 5th, 2007 | by | old season

Dec
05

South African DJ, Gareth Cliff, is in trouble again. This time, when discussing the uproar over the English school teacher who named a Sudanese teddy bear “Mohammed”, he made the comment that only a petty god would be offended by such things.

Now Cliff stands accused of blasphemy and faces a tribunal of the Broadcasting Complaints Commission, which could result in censure.

Blasphemy is one of those things that is in the eye of the beholder. If a member of one monotheistic religion declares in all seriousness that their god is the one true god, they are logically declaring all other gods not to be gods at all. Blasphemy has been committed, by means of a simple declaration of faith, against a plurality of other gods in a very efficient, high yield, pre-emptive strike. Cliff himself says that blasphemy should not be a crime, but the reality is that blasphemy simply cannot be a crime in any society that recognises even the mildest forms of religious freedom because all true believes would have the be rounded up and charged.

Despite this, most people remain sensitive about their religion, and about other peoples’ religions, to a degree that is almost irrational. This is very well illustrated by the nature of the complaints against Cliff.

The main complainent, Ms Gerda-Mari Povey of Pretoria, E-mailed Cliff with the following comment:

“You know what, Gareth, I love your show, but this morning u shocked me!!!! just wanted to say, God is not petty!!!!!”

OK then! Let us have a look at the Ten Commandments. Number 1 says that you shall have no other gods but the god of the Bible. In Number 2, which states that you should not make idols or worship them, it is explained:

I the Lord your God am a jealous God, punishing children for the iniquity of parents, to the third and the fourth generation of those who reject me, but showing steadfast love to the thousandth generation of those who love me and keep my commandments. – Exodus 20:5 & 6

So, if your great grandparents built an idol, you will be punished. That doesn’t really seem all that just.

Number 3 says that you should not make “wrongful use” of the name of god. Number 4 says that you must keep the sabbath holy because:

For in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that is in them, but rested the seventh day; therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and consecrated it. – Exodus 20:11

That seems like a petty basis for a commandment if there ever was.

We get as far as Number 6 before we find anything about not killing people. Indeed, everything from 1 to 4 really involves not offending god. That makes for 40% of the commandments serving little other purpose than protecting god’s omnipresent ego.

My favourite commandment is Number 10:

You shall not covet your neighbour’s house; you shall not covet your neighbour’s wife, or male or female slave, or ox, or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbour. – Exodus 20:17

Its OK to have slaves, but don’t covet other peoples’ slaves. In fact, if you find yourself thinking, “Bob’s new car is nice! I wish I had one like it,” you have sinned.

In my view, therefore, god is petty. We can come to this conclusion without even dealing with one of my favourite bits of the Bible:

And he went up from thence unto Bethel: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head. And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them. And he went from thence to mount Carmel, and from thence he returned to Samaria. – 2 Kings 2:23-25

Wow!

Ms Povey, like the mothers of Bethal, worries about her children, although perhaps with less reason. She had the following to say to News24:

“As a Christian, I really felt offended. He should have more respect for people’s religion. He has offended many of his listeners. What if my children had heard his comments. It was very irresponsible of him. I’m normally the kind of person who just keeps quiet, but this time it was just too much.

“I don’t have anything against him personally, he can debate politics etc all he wants, but when it’s about religion, he should show more sensitivity.”

What if her children had heard the comments? Richard Dawkins makes the very good point that you just don’t get “Christian children” or “Muslim children”. You get “children of Christian parents” and “children of Muslim parents”. Children are a blank slate who don’t accept any particular god until they are indoctrinated, or more likely terrified, into doing so.

It is this very terror that makes it OK to speak about politics, but not OK to speak about religion. On some level we are scared that if we offend someone else’s religious sensibilities, they will come back and kill us. Sadly, they often do, which should illustrate the sick immorality of the entire religious system.

People are also scared that they might hear something challenging to their religious beliefs. God doesn’t even want you to think about thinking about questioning him, and ominously threatens your entire family for four generations if you get something slightly wrong while playing this ineffable guessing game.

I don’t think that any of us, given a choice, would want to live in a system like that. Why, then, do we accept it without question on the basis of no evidence whatsoever? Why, in a nutshell, do we believe in god at all?

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Honorary Atheism anyone?

November 15th, 2007 | by | old season

Nov
15

Its been an amusing news day. IOL could not bring themselves to put “The K-word” in a headline so they lead an article with “Air force shooter suspect called ‘redundant’.” The article reveals that the shooter is alleged to have been called a “redundant kaffir*”, and is using this as part of his defence on murder charges. This will rightfully work far better than presenting the “I was called ‘redundant’” defence, so I think that IOL could have puckered up and given us a realistic headline.

The Afrikaans newspaper, Rapport, has fired one of their writers, Deon Maas, after he dared to express the opinion that Satanism was just another religion, and one which probably has the worst deal of the lot in terms of intolerance. Sadly, I cannot find the November 4 column in which he expressed these opinions so I would be grateful if someone could send me the link.

Pride of place, though, goes to the story of British PM, Gordon Brown, becoming an “Honorary Hindu”. IOL reports it here and to eliminate the possibility of some kind of cultural misunderstanding, the Hindustani Times reproduces the same story here.

I never considered the possibility that one could be an honorary member of a religion. If it is possible to be an honorary atheist, I am tempted to propose that we bestow this title on the Pope, complete with an “Atheist Name” such as Jeebuz McPointyhat.

Tempted, that is, because I honestly believe that the most beautiful gift that an atheist can give to a believer in any faith is haughty derision. Perhaps, if they receive enough of this, they will begin to question their religion. Perhaps The Honorable Gordon Brown could use a double share.

*: For this reason alone, I have a certain amount of sympathy for the accused.

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Yvonne is Back

August 1st, 2007 | by | old season

Aug
01

A few evenings ago I returned to my rain battered home to find a soaked and rumpled flyer plastered to the top of my mailbox. I was overjoyed to recognise the distinctive pink pyramid branding of Yvonne the Psychic.

It is always interesting to see businesses grow. Her rates have gone up by R50 a consultation, and she has added curse removal to her catalogue of services. Cheap at the price, no doubt, for guaranteed guidance!

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