andrewdotcoza

Today has been a strange day for quackery. Danie Krugel was featured on Carte Blanch again last night, as excellently explained by Moonflake, and News 24 readers were surprised by an article entitled Man ‘angry with wife’s vagina’.

The latter details the fascinating story of a man who was subjected to the QX, or “Quantum Xrroid” machine by Dr Leon van Heerden, a registered GP and understander of “quantum medicine”.

So what does this entail? Basically, you get strapped to a machine which, according to the available literature, is capable of detecting all of the maladies from which you suffer by means of their unique frequencies. According to Dr van Heerden, once you have been “read” on a specific machine, the same device can read you again, even if you are thousands of kilometres away. One California practitioner claims that readings can be done from the other side of the world as long as you provide a recent hair sample.

The patient in the News 24 story was diagnosed with the following problems:

• abnormal vaginal cells,
• the sexually transmitted Hepatitis C-virus,
• worms,
• a parasite which commonly occurs in Bangladesh,
• prostate problems,
• migraines,
• heart problems,
• back problems,
• eye problems,
• testosterone problems.

The patient in question is a man, who has subsequently undergone medical tests that indicate that he is free of Hepatitis C. His prostate had previously been removed. As a 50 year-old man, heart, back, eye and testosterone problems do not seem unlikely. That leaves the parasites and the migraines, for which the patient was given homeopathic medicine.

Despite being a GP, Dr van Heerden is undaunted by the preposterous diagnosis. The QX machine, you see, is so sensitive that it can pick up the diseases of other people with whom you have been in close contact. Furthermore, it picks up your emotional and psychological state, from which comes the explanation that this patient is angry with his wife’s vagina.

The inventor of the QX machine delivers a wonderful explanation of its capabilities here. The QX machine can detect all causes of disease (the main categories being “blockage of flow” and “violation of natural law”) as well as a few other serious problems. My favourite is “Adaptation Syndrome”, which is “mostly symptom free”. Basically, the QX machine is capable of finding something wrong with you, even if you feel perfectly healthy!

Quackwatch provides a report on the device here. Note that it is illegal to market this machine in the United States for diagnostic or treatment purposes.

There is only one Dr Leon van Heerden on the Health Professions Council of South Africa roll. His address details match those in the news article, so I have no compunction about linking to them here. I find it remarkable that this man practices medicine using a diagnostic device which is prohibited by the FDA in the United States, which seems to share many technological qualities with Danie Krugel’s Magic Finding Machine, and which – by Dr van Heerden’s own admission – is practically useless for diagnosis because it picks up the illnesses of your closest acquaintances. I find it unremarkable that he charges about R1200 for the consultation.

For those who have been following my collection of strange medical flyers, I am able to offer a special treat.

The first comes courtesy of kyknoord.

Notice that this guy works from the Pirate Steak House, and will clean dirty houses. He can also make your penis any size you want, or treat you to 30 minutes with no pain. It seems he learned a lot on Deep Space 9*. His oil must be pretty powerful if it can make you win the lotto at the moment!

I found the next one on the kitchen counter of some Table View friends:

This chap can remove court cases and tokoloshes, but the most impressive on his flyer is the Bad Luck Hand on page 2.

Let me know what you think. I’m a mirror and water to all your comments.

*: Which just goes to show that, despite the popular joke, you do see Middle Eastern people in Star Trek, but the actor is actually African.

There have been a flurry of news stories about the blinding of a faithful pilgrim that I discussed yesterday.

News24 presents the following quote from Francesca Zackey:

Zackey said during Nassif’s visit a group of “about 1 000 people” were on the property. She asked them to look at the sun to see it spinning and for the Virgin Mary to appear.

“I didn’t approach Nassif personally to look into the sun.

“I’m not forcing anybody to look into the sun, and if anybody looks into the sun while on our property, it is of their own free will,” said Zackey.

She said Nassif was the only one among all the people who had looked into the sun in their presence who had been blinded.

“Why didn’t the others go blind?”

Aside from the fact that this does not match the version events that appeared in yesterday’s story, it also depicts an unbelievably cruel and unrepentant attitude towards Amal Nassif and her injuries on the part of the instigator. It seems as though she sees nothing wrong with asking people to look directly into the sun. Amal Nassif’s sister, meanwhile, asks that we all pray for her sister’s speedy recovery.

IOL reports that the catholic church has requested Miss Zackey not to bless or blind anymore pilgrims for now. The church has appointed an investigative panel who will decide whether or not Jesus’s mom has, indeed, been hanging out in Benoni. They caution:

The priest warned that the investigation was not bound by a deadline as there was no “scientific formula” to use in performing the probe.

You don’t say! The last probe, commissioned when Mary was holidaying in Natal in 1971 is still ongoing. Moreover, in the same story IOL reports that:

The phenomenon of a spinning sun is not new – it was seen by thousands, and verified, when the Virgin Mary appeared at Fatima, Portugal, in 1917.

I can guarantee that never happened either. After all, the 1/6th of the world’s population that counts itself as catholic and therefore presumably accepts the view of the church in this matter is hardly a convincing majority. In short, I can save everyone a lot of time. Arrest Miss Zachey, charge her as you would the proprietor of an unlicensed Xhosa initiation school, and move along because there is nothing to see here.

In a much more insightful story that was published early this morning, IOL reports on some of the other amazing allegations coming from the Zackey household:

Francesca Zackey speaks in tongues, which only she can understand, and her family are convinced the water supply at their home has turned into a holy oil.

Zackey believes that by looking into the burning star, believers will see it spin while an amazing kaleidoscope of colours pour out around the Virgin Mary herself. To protect delicate eyes against the hydrogen giant, Mary places a protective shield in front of the sun.

Perhaps the municipality should investigate that water problem. One fears that it may simply have a chemical contamination that causes great stupidity in all who consume it. In case you were wondering, I checked: Neither NASA nor any major observatory – in fact, no observatory whatsoever, including the Vatican’s own – has reported noticing a giant Ray-Ban in the sky. I guess that is just how miracles go.

IOL also reports that the General Secretary of the South African Council of Churches, Eddie Makue, posed the following question:

“Has this girl seen the Virgin Mary before? How did she know what she looks like?”

Indeed, Eddie. If you ask Francesca Zackey, you get one answer.

Francesca said that Jesus’ mother was very fair-skinned, with brown hair and “ice-blue eyes”. She was wearing a royal-blue veil and light was coming from her hands….

Ask Amal Nassif and you get quite another:

“I can’t seen anything. There is a large dark blind spot,” she was quoted by the newspaper as saying.

Flippant? Oh yes I am, but those journalists who admit even the iota of a possibility that this apparition may have been real, those clergy who stop short of an unequivocal and outright condemnation of Miss Zackey, and those in the legal system who have made no attempt to stop her, let alone punish her, are acting irresponsibly. Religious sensitivities be damned. The actions of this young woman are clearly endangering the wellbeing of the public.