I have received a request, via http://www.andrew.co.za, for the lotto numbers for 5 May.
I suggest playing these:
9 12 19 23 38 47
Lotto numbers for 5 May
May 4th, 2010 | by andrewdotcoza | old season
May
04
May 4th, 2010 | by andrewdotcoza | old season
May
04
I have received a request, via http://www.andrew.co.za, for the lotto numbers for 5 May.
I suggest playing these:
9 12 19 23 38 47
June 19th, 2007 | by andrewdotcoza | old season
Jun
19
In Benoni, birthplace of Charlize Theron, there lives a 17 year old girl named Francesca Zackey. Francesca, according to today’s news reports, believes that she has received instructions from the Virgin Mary, mother of Jesus Christ.
Based on these instructions, Francesca performs spiritual healing, has started a prayer group, and is launching a youth group. Francesca has also told people that they too can see the Blessed Virgin if they stare into the sun. Now somebody has gone blind.
There are those who will say that this is a case of sad, deluded people who have failed to apply sensible logic to their actions, either by telling people to stare at the sun or by actually doing it rather than just saying that they did. Francesca and the newly blind Amal Nasief, however, are also victims of a vicious faith based system.
Christian dogma often includes the assertion that you cannot understand the benefits of having Jesus in your life until you have already accepted Jesus into your life. You have to believe first, and only then can you see the evidence. This is, in essence, the cornerstone of all religious systems. This is also specifically what rational atheists, such as myself, find abhorrent about faith.
From there, it is a short step to plucking up enough faith to ignore all the conditioning of childhood and stare directly into the sun for one full minute. If something goes wrong, then it is your fault for not having enough faith or for not following the instructions correctly. God takes no responsibility and cuts you no slack. He, after all, moves in mysterious ways. He probably has a plan for you.
If I told you that you could see miraculous images if you stared into the end of my garden hose, you would probably call me a liar. If you didn’t, I’d wait until you looked and then turn on the tap. That is exactly the same sort of joke that God seems to enjoy. Don’t you think its time to stop trusting in him?
May 30th, 2007 | by andrewdotcoza | old season
May
30
My friend, Cedric, recently announced that he was participating in a stand-up comedy show* in Port Elizabeth. One week later, Cedric took time to report back**. By all accounts, the gig went swimmingly, and his set was “well appreciated.”
With alacrity becoming of the world’s worst newspaper, the EP Herald reported*** on the gig two days later. It is difficult to know what to make of the things they say about Cedric, but they do seem quite sure that he ain’t no Jeff Foxworthy, and that he sure needs a sign.
Cedric immediately countered by publishing the review on his blog, commenting ruefully that he doesn’t know how else they could have “gotten it so wrong.”
Well, it’s the Herald. These people are capable of getting things wrong in ways that you cannot possibly imagine. The problem is that they sometimes get things right, and we consequently have no idea what actually happened on that fateful night.
Therefore, I propose a challenge for the Port Elizabeth comedians. Video your material and put it on YouTube. Bring your comedy to a larger audience and let the Net, rather than the Herald, be the judge of your genius. Show us what you can do and, when you have done it, post a link in the comments.
Andrew agrees with Cedric that being in a city is an elective thing, and is proudly Capetownian.
*: The show was to be headlined by Martin Evans. Throughout this entire saga, everybody has been keen to point out that Martin is, himself, from PE. On his Comedy CV page, Martin mentions it as, “the sad and frightening coastal town of Port Elizabeth.”
**: …and rail against people who say nasty things about his city.
***: This link may change because the EP Herald actually moves HTML files around when they archive old stories, in a way suggestive of the world’s worst online news source.
November 8th, 2006 | by andrewdotcoza | old season
Nov
08
I haven’t really had that much to say recently, mostly because I’ve had a lot on my mind as well as on my plate. In such circumstances, it is imperative not to confuse the two for fear of venturing out with Peanut Surprise* on your head.
One must, however, not forget that an expectant audience awaits. All of that time at the office isn’t going to waste itself and it behooves all bloggers to publish fodder for the mill of transient popularity on a regular basis.
Some of you may be aware that I have a family member who used to work for Telkom, that much maligned South African telecommunications monopoly. Because of this I am privy+ to some Telkom lore that it largely unknown to the outside world. Today, therefore, I shall share with you a joke that, I am assured, originates within the organisation itself and has been passed along by word of mouth from employee to employee over many years.
“Oh dear!” says our hero.
“It’s not so bad,” replies St Peter. “Telkom has a special arrangement with us, so you get to choose between spending eternity in regular hell, or in Telkom hell. Which would you prefer?”
“I don’t know,” replies the recently demised. “What’s the difference?”
“I’ll show you!” says Saint Peter, leading him off towards two heavy, oaken doors set into a nearby wall.
Saint Peter leans against the first, which opens with a creek. A terrible scene is revealed within. Horribly blistered souls are chained to rocks amid piles of burning sulfur. The air is thick with poisonous, lung strangling fumes. Evil, spidery demons prod the tormented souls with pitchforks, driving them in their lamentable task of carrying burning chunks of sulfur from one fire to the next. As he watches, the dead guy sees a soul lose its footing and fall into one of the fires, flailing in unspeakable agony. “Regular Hell!” proclaims Saint Peter.
With a heavy heart our hero asks, “What about the other one?”
Saint Peter leans against the second door, which also opens with a creek. Within, however, is a completely different scene. A lush, green valley greets them. In the middle of the valley is a deep pit with a flight of stairs going down each side. Beautiful, shady trees are planted around this pit, beneath which sit some happy looking souls, drinking beer, smoking cigarettes and playing cards. “Telkom Hell!” proclaims the saint.
“This doesn’t look so bad!” replies our hero. “What happens here?”
“Well,” replies Saint Peter, “you know how telephone poles are coated in pitch to make them weather-proof? Well, we fill this pit with molten tar and then each former Telkom employee takes a telephone pole under each arm and walks down those steps, into the hot tar. That’s how the poles get treated.”
“That sounds very unpleasant,” says the confused hero, “although it doesn’t look too bad right now. Why are all of these people at leisure?”
“You know what Telkom is like,” replies the saint. “One day no pitch, the next day no poles.”
*: A favourite delicacy
+: It is remarkably soothing to use the words “Telkom” and “privy” in the same sentence.