Law Enfarcement

July 20th, 2008 | by | old season

Jul
20

During the third week of June, a burglar broke into my home while I was away on a business trip. The thief took a considerable amount of computer equipment, clothes, and a few irreplaceable items like part of my coin collection and the mantle clock that had belonged to my grandparents.

I do not wish to tell the story of my sense of loss, not that of the excellent service provided by Craig the Burglar Bar Guy or my new ADT armed response people. I want to tell you the story of the horrifying ineptitude of the Table View police.

It is difficult to know where to begin. Perhaps it is worth mentioning that the police have no way of dealing with a situation in which the person that has been robbed is not present to make the statement themselves. My housekeeper very kindly spend her day waiting for the police to arrive, giving a statement, waiting for the police to arrive, assisting the forensic footprint team, and then waiting until the end of the day for the non-arriving fingerprint guy.

The officer that took the statement actually refused to take down my phone number because he was of the opinion that it was not required. Access to the premises for the fingerprint guy was arranged through her, several days later. Of course, she was back home on the other side of Cape Town by then, so it wasn’t much use.

To this day, I have not been able to have a single discussion with an investigating officer about the crime. This despite the fact that I have phoned the police station nine times and left a message for Detective Inspector November, whom my housekeeper was told was assigned to the case. I wanted to speak to him to arrange the collection of a pair of very stinky shoes that the perpetrator had left in my home. Both the footprint and fingerprint teams had refused to take them.

Eventually, I took them to the police station myself. After dutifully following the signs that directed me to the offices of the detectives, I found both office blocks open, accessible and without any signs of life. Had I been of a criminal bent, I could have removed far more computer equipment than I had lost, and helped myself to whatever case files I might have considered useful.

In fact, there were no signs of a police presence at the Table View station at all, except in the charge office itself. There I left the shoes, as well as a letter detailing the items that were lost, my contact details, and a plea for Inspector November to contact me.

Guess how that worked out.

The fact is that I have a lot of respect and appreciation for the police personnel that drive around our streets keeping us safe. I think it is a dangerous, underpaid and depressing job that they do quite well, generally speaking. When, for example, I saw a man walking down my street wearing what I am quite sure were a pair of my stolen shoes, a police van arrived within minutes to look for him.

The fact that I heard nothing more, even after potentially delivering their suspect to them directly, is an indication of the abject uselessness of the investigative wing of the force.

I suppose that the point could be made that the police are overworked, and that they cannot be expected to have time to follow up every lead on a minor domestic burglary. I say that is a load of old bollocks. I have previously mentioned the commander of the local station, Inspector Nolan, and his merry men here and here. The sad fact is that in the case of this crime, there has not even been a token effort to make contact with the victim, or to follow any leads.

That does not speak of overwork. It speaks of complete apathy. It seems that our police have the time to brutalise innocent students, stage mock arrests for charity, provide case numbers for insurance purposes, and nothing more. In the absence of any actual investigative activities, you would think that they could perhaps learn grammar or something, but have a look at this next item – a letter addressed to my housekeeper informing her of the status of the investigation:

Point 3 is my favourite.

If you review the writings of Inspector Nolan that I have reported before, it can be seen that our police force sees us as customers of a sort. We are able to get the benefit of their services if we do certain things, like a shopkeeper would expect us to arrive at his emporium within business hours. By implication, we are actually blamed for crime if we do not co-operate by becoming extremely paranoid.

While I cannot blame the police for the fact that this crime was committed, I do expect to be able to go away for a few days without worrying about my possessions in my locked house being molested or liberated. I expect blanket coverage of the country by law enforcement, and I expect arrests to be made when I report a crime. This is what I imagine when I think of my tax money going towards policing.

I know that expectation is utopian and unrealistic, but I think that any situation in which it is not met is indicative of a problem. I don’t blame the police for this problem, nor do I think that any system can ever be completely free of problems. I do expect the police, however, to act to address these problems in a reasonable way. I expect the detective to call me back. I expect the first officer on the scene to take my number. I expect a SOCO team to arrive promptly so that I don’t have to live for several days in a filthy, ransacked house. Wiping the fingerprint dust off my possessions would also be nice.

Our police seem to be trying to address these problems through marketing. That might impress you if you feel safe in your home. For the rest of us, it is a fine motivator for learning the words of O Canada!

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Police Brutality

April 26th, 2008 | by | old season

Apr
26

Almost two months ago, I posted an article about the totalitarian attitudes of airport security staff and how this boded badly for our freedoms.

Co-incidentally, on more or less the same day, the Stellebosch police performed a ham-handed raid on several student bars in the town. The scenes were captured on security videos and the images of police officers brutally storming into the bars, discharging their weapons and physically abusing the students are chilling. As usual, the storm has died down and this police operation appears to have gone completely unexplained, with nobody being called to account for it.

I would encourage you to watch the video here, and to keep this incident at the forefront of your thoughts, especially when dealing with the coppers. Remember, uniforms alone should not command respect.


However, an amazing personal drama played out during these raids, and it is this that I wish to draw your attention to today. I have painstakingly collected grainy screen shots of the event.

Our hero walks into the room, sipping his drink.

He doesn’t seem to notice the policeman with an assault rifle standing in the room.
Oh hello! What have we here?

Notice how, already, our hero draws his brandy and code toward himself protectively.
Now we see the stuff this man is made of. Casually holding his drink, he looks around the room while the police beat his friends savagely. He is the last man standing in the room.




Finally, a pig throws him to the ground savagely.

He observes some more, probably evaluating his options.

Gosh. Evaluation is thirsty work!

Thankfully, his drink is completely unaffected by the scuffle.
Mmmm! Delicious!

This man is a true Stellenbosch legend. Congratulations to you, Sir, for keeping your priorities in order in the face of authoritarian terrorism. If you read this, please leave a message. I’d feel privileged to interview you for this blog. If anybody can identify this hero, please put him in touch with me. Viva la revolucion!

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The State of Our Freedoms

March 7th, 2008 | by | old season

Mar
07

This afternoon, I dropped a friend off at the Cape Town airport.

After a pleasant drive, trouble free check-in, and a quick chat, I saw him to the security checkpoint, where I noticed the following sign.

This wasn’t a cardboard sign. Oh, no. It was a large, laminated plastic sign with an aluminium frame that was bolted to a steel stand. Let us take a closer look.

I apologise for the poor quality of the photography, but I had to work covertly. Who knows what these people would be capable of if they saw someone taking pictures of their sign?

Although I admit it grates me that the people in charge of airport security consider MS Paint an appropriate tool for graphic design, this image of the faceless policeman dragging the tearfully inappropriate man “Off to Jail!” in handcuffs is disturbing on a number of other levels too.

Saying inappropriate things is not a crime! It is a crime to threaten to blow up an aeroplane, or to threaten the security staff at the airport, but there is no threat implicit in making an “inappropriate remark” about, for example, the bomb warnings!

Just doing a very quick search of News24 produces the following cases of overreactions on the part of airport security:

Yesterday, in Port Elizabeth, a man that was frustrated by having to answer security questions at the British Airways counter was summarily arrested for saying that he had a bomb in his bag. As we all know, terrorists frequently admit to packing bombs in their luggage when asked at the check-in counter.

The same story ends with a reminder of the fact that the flying squad, dog unit and explosives squad were called out to the same airport last year after a man remarked that he had a nuclear bomb in is suitcase.

In November of last year, a businessman was arrested in Cape Town for telling the Comair ground staff that he had a few bombs in his luggage. The airline staff did not even bother to search his luggage – they just had him arrested and did nothing more.

In August of 2002, the Australian rugby team left a plastic bottle swaddled in paper behind the seat of an aircraft in Johannesburg. This lead to a police investigation because, “The police cannot laugh off anything as a joke, as a person never knows when it is not one.”

No. Actually, you do.

I don’t know why people make stupid jokes like this. Some of them are just asses. Some of them are slightly drunk. Some of them are nervous about flying and resort to badly thought out humour as a coping mechanism.

What I do know is that someone who announces to the baggage check staff that they have a bomb in their suitcase doesn’t have one and poses no threat whatsoever. If you are honest with yourself, you will admit that you know this too!

Someone who is planning to blow up a plane would keep their bomb secret until they were ready to use it. Even allowing for contrariness, there is no advantage in claiming that you have one beforehand. Someone planning to detonate something in the airport has every reason to put their money where their mouth is and produce their bomb immediately.

While I condemn the cowardice and criminality of terrorists – and all who would engage in senseless violence – out of hand, I cannot forgive the fact that our law enforcement has chosen the easy way of appearing to safe-guard our airline experiences at the cost of our fundamental constitutional rights to behave, on occasion, like idiots.

If you or I had to arrive at an airport and face an unreasonable search, we would be within our rights to complain and protest. However, we would be confronted by people who are primed to regard every single “inappropriate” comment as a crime. Faced with this situation, where one ill considered word could result in jail time, we cannot risk standing up for our rights. We don’t know who will be gauging the appropriateness of our comments. Neither airline check-in staff nor the MS Paint expert that made our sign are qualified to judge the legal nuances, or even the grammatical ones, of what we say. We are more than likely to be arrested and “proscuted” (No really. Read it again.) for saying something like, “You don’t understand your own stupid rules.”

This is the face of fascism. Right now, our fascists might be amateurs and confined to our airports, but our laws have created a situation in which, when we enter their domain, we are powerlessly subject to the whims of the power-hungry and the easily offended. It is no co-incidence that the inappropriate stick figure commits his crime in a cloudy thought bubble, reserved by more competent cartoonists for unspoken words. This sign, and this mentality, concerns itself with thought-crime rather than with real crime, and when these people go home at night, you can bet they will be partying like its 1984.

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White Collar Crime

February 22nd, 2008 | by | old season

Feb
22

This week I discovered that one of my Telkom ADSL accounts had been stolen. My God! I feel so… so… South African! I am the victim of a crime that is more significant than the time someone stole the brass “8″ off the front of my house!

What happened was that I capped my primary ADSL account last week and tried to switch over to my backup account that I have not used since about December 2007. I found that I could not log into the backup account, and called the dreaded Telkom for assistance.

After holding for about half an hour on the 10215 line, I got a really helpful operator who discovered that someone was already logged into that account. He reset the password for me, and I determined that someone had used about 900Mb of bandwidth before we reset the password. He also forwarded the case to the abuse department. (It makes me giggle to think that there are people who work for the “Telkom Abuse Department”.)

Nothing happened for a while, and I assumed that nothing would be happening at all. Today, however, I received a phone call from Sean of the Abuse Department, confirming that someone with an 011 area code had been using my account. He recommended that I resent the password on both the account and my router, both of which had already been done.

Sean of the Abuse Department, however, was not allowed to give me the phone number of the person that stole my account. He advised me that, in order to do something about it, I would need to call in the assistance of the South African Police. Curiously, I am not able to mail Sean directly. He suggested that, if I have any more questions, I call 10215, hold for another 30 minutes, and then ask whoever answers to E-mail him. This is why people hate Telkom so much!

I will include the E-mail that Sean sent me in full at the end of this post. In short, I would need to lay a charge with the police in order to obtain a case number. The the police would need to subpoena Telkom so that Sean can give them the number that he is not allowed to read to me off his screen. The police would then send Inspector Morse or someone over to beat the perpetrator with a rubber hose, but only if my dream world were reality, which it is not.

As amusing as it would be to go down to the Table View Police Station with my Internet problems, I shall not. I happen to have on hand the latest crime statistics for Table View, straight from the desk of Inspector Nolan. Aside from urging us not to “contribute to crime by being negligent,” and telling us that “Jesus Christ is the exclamation mark after the words ‘God is love!’,” his station’s newsletter also gives us arrest statistics for January 2008 in Table View:

Assault: 5
Murder: 3
Rape: 1
Possession of fire arm (sic): 5
House Breaking & Theft: 3
Robbery: 2
Posession/Dealing: Drugs (sic): 19

Actually, I think this is pretty good! I think that Inspector Nolan is the exclamation mark after the words “Pretty Good!” I’m not about to waste his precious time by sending him on a pointless chase after some immoral Gauteng geek that robbed me of a Gigabyte’s worth of data transfer.

This wouldn’t even be an issue if it wasn’t for the fact that Telkom charge me R65.48 for the amount of bandwidth that was used. That, I think, is what Inspector Nolan should really be investigating.

The E-mail from Sean of the Abuse Department is reproduced below, for those of you that are interested in what happens in these situations. All bad grammar belongs to Telkom. I have only removed some underscores to make it readable.

To the person that stole my account, you may have gotten away with it this time, but I still think that you are the blood-drenched cross at the end of a teen aged goth’s angsty love poetry. Screw you.

Dear Sir/Madam,

Thank you for mailing Telkom Internet Abuse.

We have reviewed your logs which indicates that your connection was used from different locations. If this was not authorized by you and require further investigation, you will need to
report this to your local police station and obtain a case number. A Section 205 subpoena will then need to be made out against us so we can issue the police with the details of where the connections were made from.

______How to obtain a Subpoena_______

Please note that the following information is to be added on to the subpoena.

First of all, it is very important to make the Section 205 Subpoena out against Telkomsa.

On the subpoena the following must be requested:

1. The telephone number associated with the ports identified.
2. The registered owner details of the telephone numbers identified.
3. The physical installation address of the telephone numbers identified.

Please remember to add your username details.

Once the subpoena has been received by the investigating officer, the investigating officer has to hand the original subpoena to their Technical Support Unit (TSU). The officer at the TSU
will know who the identified person in Telkom is to accept the subpoena on our behalf.

In the interim we strongly suggest that you change your internet password. Go to the ADSL Password Tool at http://www.telkomsa.net.

If you are using an ADSL router, we recommend that you also change that password.

Security has to start with the ADSL router as all ADSL routers are despatched with a factory default setting for the administration of control functions. Normally a router can be accessed from both the internet and your PC. However if the adminstration password is not reset to something of your choice then any malicious Internet user will gain access to the same functions from the Internet and in doing so will extract from the router your username and password, and it can be done in a matter of seconds.

Prevention can be achieved by, either changing the adminstrator username and password or by activating the router to what is called “bridged mode”. The Bridged mode option then requires you the user,to make use of a PPPoE session which then requires a “click” to connection option versus a “always on option”

It is also advisable to make sure that the firewall on the router is enabled.

Should you experience difficulties in making the necessary changes to your router, kindly contact our helpdesk on 10215 and an agent will assist you.

Kind regards,

Telkom Internet Abuse
E Mail – abuse@telkomsa.net
Tel: 10215
International: +27 12 678 5502
=========================================================
NB: This e-mail and its contents are subject to the Telkom SA Limited
e-mail legal notice which can be viewed at:
http://www.telkom.co.za/TelkomEMailLegalNotice.PDF
Should you be unable to access the link provided, a copy of the legal notice
will be e-mailed to you on sending a blank e-mail to
legalnotice@telkom.co.za
=========================================================

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Crime Prevention Tips

August 11th, 2007 | by | old season

Aug
11

Some months ago I republished a Message From Station Commissioner (sic) that appeared in the Table View Police newsletter that is circulated in my area. The newest edition of this publication has subsequently arrived. Once again, it contains some bizarre passages.

Snr. Supt. L. E. Nolan assures us:

“Recently, everyone at the station, including administrative personnel, has had their shoulders to the wheel, trying to reduce the levels of crime in our area by conducting crime free weeks.”

Contrast this with an extract from his previous message:

“…all police initiated crimes showed an increase, meaning that the police members worked more than they should have worked!”

I am comforted by the apparent progress. I think.

The rest of the newsletter contains crime prevention advice that reads like the manifesto of a very confused group of fascists. Their credo:

“A suspicious vehicle/person is a vehicle/person that acts in a manner, which may seem to be unusual or strange.” (sic)

Encouraging, don’t you think, to those of us who have unusual habits? I can’t wait for some old toppie from the heard-think group to run me in for wearing a Star Fleet uniform, or listening to unusual music. The last think I need is for Jack Bauer to come round my house to conduct a Crime Free Week. It gets worse, though. Under the heading, “Persons”:

“A suspicious person can be any person that you feel acts in a strange manner. The problem with suspicious persons is that there are no distinguishing features. Hijackers come in any form or shape. Colour, race, sex or age, are not distinguishing features.

“The best way to identify a suspicious person is to see all unknown persons as being suspicious.” (sic)

It disturbs me greatly that the South African Police Service espouses such an Orwellian principle. There is not much scope for freedom of expression here, and much less for freedom of movement.

The litany continues under the heading of “Who are these hijackers?”:

“To date, the overwhelming proportion of all the hijackers, have been men, and occasionally women. [...]

“These people are sometimes well dressed, but not always. They may wear a jacket or jersey under which they may conceal weapons, mostly handguns and knives, but occasionally AK47 assault rifles.

“The hijackers operate from motorcars, although they have been known to attack on foot. The cars they use vary, but are normally high performance vehicles, sometimes with tinted windows.”

In summary, the hijackers could be anyone who does not belong to the implicit and mysterious third gender. They walk among us, but we cannot recognise them because they are just so darned generic. You may see me walking down the street and never know that I am hiding an AK47 under my jersey*.

Notice the emotive language as the article continues. The italics are present in the original:

“[Immediately after an attack...] They will speed off, driving perhaps nervously and recklessly, but often with an air of bravado as if enjoying or flaunting publicly their total disregard for the law and the innocent person they have just attacked. They might ignore red traffic lights, jump stop streets and weave in and out through traffic, especially on motorways. This renders them highly visible to the public and this is where private citizens can play a vital role in assisting these people’s arrest.” (sic)

One hopes that speeding down the highway would make these criminals highly visible to the police too.

I confess to being exceedingly uncomfortable with the tone of these messages. This generic, ever-present enemy smacks of the Rooi Gevaar, nicely sanded down and repainted a different colour**. The faceless enemy, the suspicion and even the emotive mention of the AK47, a symbol of fear to most South Africans, almost seems calculated to heighten our anxiety. Clip a self-righteous little rant about “total disregard for the law” and innocent victims onto the end and you have something that exactly fits the mould of a speech by P. W. Botha.

Freedom, for me, means something different. It means being able to go to new places without being regarded with suspicion. It means embracing the spirit of nation-building, to which this paranoia is an anathema. It means regarding people as human beings by default and not as criminals. Goodness knows, we have enough to fear from crime in South Africa already without the police making it worse.

*: A standard AK is 870mm in length. The jersey I am wearing at the moment measures 690mm from the tip of my left shoulder to the edge of the seam on my upper right thigh. I would have great difficulty concealing an AK under my jersey, even if it were a one dimensional stick. The idea becomes preposterous when you start to add useful stuff like a magazine, a grip and width.

**: Consider the likelihood of a black person being reported as “suspicious” in a white neighbourhood. Now consider the likelihood of a white person being reported as “suspicious” in a black neighbourhood. I’m not saying that this has anything to do with the matter in hand, but rather asking that you consider it.

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Building better murderers

July 4th, 2007 | by | old season

Jul
04

South Africa’s crime statistics for the 2006/2007 criminal year* were released yesterday. The press has been going wild**.

Although there has been a small increase in crime between the last reporting period and this one, overall numbers are significantly down on 2001/2002, by between 10% and 35%, depending on the crime.

Notable among the released data, or at least the published news reports, is the fact that incidents of murder have increased by 3.54% (oh noes!), while incidents of attempted murder have decreased by 2.09% (awsum!). I believe, however, that there is a deeper and sinister message in these figures, which I shall now expose.

Murder and attempted murder are pretty much the same thing. In the first instance, the murder shows some degree of competence. In the second, he or she has failed in their goal. Grouping these crimes together, we see a 0.58% increase in “murderous attacks”.

Things become more disturbing of you use these figures to calculate the efficiency of our murderers, specifically the proportion of them who succeeded. The figure was 47.43% in 2005/2006, and it has increased to 48.83% in 2006/2007.

Furthermore, if you plot the efficiency of murderers over all available reporting periods, you find that there is a disturbing upward trend.

The efficiency of our murderers has increased by a fraction over 30% since 2002/2003.

What is happening here? Well, I believe that a medical metaphor is most appropriate. When you are ill and take antibiotics, your body becomes better at fighting what we doctors*** call “germs”. Because germs mutate quickly, some of them will be more resistant to the antibiotic than others. As you get better, the proportion of resistant germs in your body will increase. These usually all get killed anyway, but you will sometimes require a different antibiotic to get rid of the very resistant ones.

If criminals are like germs, then South African law-enforcement policies are currently breeding better murderers. This is a bad thing, although it might also mean that our average intelligence is increasing, which is something of a silver lining.

I believe that these figures clearly indicate that it is time for our law-enforcement agencies to mix things up a little. They should try new approaches, without compromising their existing methods, to try and eradicate this new breed of super-murderer. Failure to do so could, sooner or later, result in a murdering pandemic, a reign of terror in which all law-abiding citizens are at the mercy of a new wave of master-criminals. Act now! Also, remember that it is important to finish your course.

*: Financial year, criminal year – potato, po-tah-toe.

**: In this story, IOL or SAPA got the figures wrong. I’ll be using my own calculations for the rest of this post, which happen to match those of the SAPS.

***: Not really.

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Because I was Asked

April 30th, 2007 | by | old season

Apr
30

It has been a slow blogging month for me. A lot has been happening, and I have not been at my most focussed. That said, some progress has been made. Today, I threw out an entire wheelie-bin full of computer junk from my garage. The remaining pile of junk does not look any smaller.

If any reader wishes to purchase a brand new 56K internal modem, or a USB ISDN external modem, both unused and in their original packaging, please let me know. Prices will be at cost or below.

While bringing you news from the market place, I should mention that some people very flatteringly believe that I have some sway over customer service, or that someone other than Kyknoord reads by blog. I recently received the following communication from Ms Nadia Coetzee.

Good Morning Andrew

I have to tell you what happened to me this morning with the hope that you’ll print this in your next issue.
I went to the Standard Bank in Parklands, Main Road, this morning just before 7am to draw money to put petrol in my car. Well I did that and then I went to fill up at the BP Garage in Link Rd just before you go onto the West Coast Rd. when I took out the money to pay I saw that the one R50 note was torn in the upper right corner, but it almost looks like it’s been chewed off. So when I payed the guy told me that they can’t accept the R50 note because of this but the more I told him that I just withdrew the money at the ATM a few minutes ago, he just kept saying that if he sends it to the bank they’ll give him only half back, R25 so which means I had to draw money again but at the ATM at this garage one could only drew the amount of R1000 and more. So I had to go and pay with my Check Card, which is almost like a credit card because you don’t put in a PIN number. So then I got charged and EXTRA 5% because I paid with a “Credit Card”.

Now tell me why this happened in the beginning, why doesn’t the Bank prevent things like this now we,the public,have to pay for their Incompetence.
Should they not make sure that things like this do not happen?
Their Stupid Mistake/Ignorance was turned into my problem. Due to all of this I was late for work too.
I would really be glad if you can print this in your next issue to let the rest of the public aware of this.
[Contact details removed.]

Thank You.
Ms.Nadia Coetzee

Nadia, I don’t know who you are but I thank you for your interest and sympathise with your plight. Ster Kinekor at Bayside recently claimed that they could not accept party of a movie ticket payment in 5 cent coins because the banks don’t accept them. I insisted, and toyed with plans to pay for my next movie ticket in 5 cent coins only.

The simple fact is that this is bollocks. As long as the major part of a note is present, the banks will accept it and simply remove it from circulation, returning it to the SA Mint for recycling. Furthermore, South Africa is unique in that none of its currency has ever been officially withdrawn as legal tender. You could, in fact, go to pay for your movie tickets using 1923 pennies if you wanted to. The only problem is that you would be stupid to do so, since 1923 pennies are be worth somewhat more than their face value of 0.83 of a cent.

Companies do refuse to accept strange coins for their own convenience. I suppose that this is fine within reason, but when it applies to recently minted currency such as 5c, and even 1c and 2c pieces, it is ridiculous and should not be tolerated.

I would furthermore question the 5% surcharge you had to pay on your petrol. As far as I am aware, it is illegal to buy petrol with a credit card, and illegal to charge a surcharge based on the means by which you pay. In my view, you were ripped off. However, I am not a lawyer and could be wrong about some or all of the details above.

Additional insight from my readers would be appreciated very much.

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Police Initiated Crime

March 15th, 2007 | by | old season

Mar
15

Far be it from me to poke fun at the South African Police Service and its members. Indeed, I have usually found them to an extraordinarily helpful and attentive group of people and I have great appreciation for the work that they do.

That said, there are some things that I do not understand.

Each month, I receive a Table View Police newsletter in my post box. The most recent is Volume 75 of March 2007. The message from the Station Commissioner is included here. I have highlighted a particular passage.

Sweet tap-dancing Jesus! What are we to make of this?

I shall endeavor to obtain a clarification from Senior Superintendent Nolan, and publish it here.

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