andrewdotcoza

Signage Awards

November 28th, 2008 | by | old season

Nov
28

Andrewdotcoza would like to acknowledge those who work tirelessly to create the signs by which we are directed and protected in our every day lives. Among these people are some who sprout well honed clarity that we, all too often, don’t even notice in our diurnal scurrying. Then there are those special individuals will be recognised today.

In the It Is What It Is category, we recognise the following sign and the person that ensured it is the first thing you see when you walk out of domestic arrivals at O. R. Tambo International Aiport in Johannesburg:


In the Shafting The Customer category, the far-and-away winner is Pick ‘n Pay, for their new in-store design for the service desk, of all things:


Finally, in the International Symbol of WTF? category, the following travellator warning, also from O. R. Tambo International Airport, wins the day:

No Comments »

White Collar Crime

February 22nd, 2008 | by | old season

Feb
22

This week I discovered that one of my Telkom ADSL accounts had been stolen. My God! I feel so… so… South African! I am the victim of a crime that is more significant than the time someone stole the brass “8″ off the front of my house!

What happened was that I capped my primary ADSL account last week and tried to switch over to my backup account that I have not used since about December 2007. I found that I could not log into the backup account, and called the dreaded Telkom for assistance.

After holding for about half an hour on the 10215 line, I got a really helpful operator who discovered that someone was already logged into that account. He reset the password for me, and I determined that someone had used about 900Mb of bandwidth before we reset the password. He also forwarded the case to the abuse department. (It makes me giggle to think that there are people who work for the “Telkom Abuse Department”.)

Nothing happened for a while, and I assumed that nothing would be happening at all. Today, however, I received a phone call from Sean of the Abuse Department, confirming that someone with an 011 area code had been using my account. He recommended that I resent the password on both the account and my router, both of which had already been done.

Sean of the Abuse Department, however, was not allowed to give me the phone number of the person that stole my account. He advised me that, in order to do something about it, I would need to call in the assistance of the South African Police. Curiously, I am not able to mail Sean directly. He suggested that, if I have any more questions, I call 10215, hold for another 30 minutes, and then ask whoever answers to E-mail him. This is why people hate Telkom so much!

I will include the E-mail that Sean sent me in full at the end of this post. In short, I would need to lay a charge with the police in order to obtain a case number. The the police would need to subpoena Telkom so that Sean can give them the number that he is not allowed to read to me off his screen. The police would then send Inspector Morse or someone over to beat the perpetrator with a rubber hose, but only if my dream world were reality, which it is not.

As amusing as it would be to go down to the Table View Police Station with my Internet problems, I shall not. I happen to have on hand the latest crime statistics for Table View, straight from the desk of Inspector Nolan. Aside from urging us not to “contribute to crime by being negligent,” and telling us that “Jesus Christ is the exclamation mark after the words ‘God is love!’,” his station’s newsletter also gives us arrest statistics for January 2008 in Table View:

Assault: 5
Murder: 3
Rape: 1
Possession of fire arm (sic): 5
House Breaking & Theft: 3
Robbery: 2
Posession/Dealing: Drugs (sic): 19

Actually, I think this is pretty good! I think that Inspector Nolan is the exclamation mark after the words “Pretty Good!” I’m not about to waste his precious time by sending him on a pointless chase after some immoral Gauteng geek that robbed me of a Gigabyte’s worth of data transfer.

This wouldn’t even be an issue if it wasn’t for the fact that Telkom charge me R65.48 for the amount of bandwidth that was used. That, I think, is what Inspector Nolan should really be investigating.

The E-mail from Sean of the Abuse Department is reproduced below, for those of you that are interested in what happens in these situations. All bad grammar belongs to Telkom. I have only removed some underscores to make it readable.

To the person that stole my account, you may have gotten away with it this time, but I still think that you are the blood-drenched cross at the end of a teen aged goth’s angsty love poetry. Screw you.

Dear Sir/Madam,

Thank you for mailing Telkom Internet Abuse.

We have reviewed your logs which indicates that your connection was used from different locations. If this was not authorized by you and require further investigation, you will need to
report this to your local police station and obtain a case number. A Section 205 subpoena will then need to be made out against us so we can issue the police with the details of where the connections were made from.

______How to obtain a Subpoena_______

Please note that the following information is to be added on to the subpoena.

First of all, it is very important to make the Section 205 Subpoena out against Telkomsa.

On the subpoena the following must be requested:

1. The telephone number associated with the ports identified.
2. The registered owner details of the telephone numbers identified.
3. The physical installation address of the telephone numbers identified.

Please remember to add your username details.

Once the subpoena has been received by the investigating officer, the investigating officer has to hand the original subpoena to their Technical Support Unit (TSU). The officer at the TSU
will know who the identified person in Telkom is to accept the subpoena on our behalf.

In the interim we strongly suggest that you change your internet password. Go to the ADSL Password Tool at http://www.telkomsa.net.

If you are using an ADSL router, we recommend that you also change that password.

Security has to start with the ADSL router as all ADSL routers are despatched with a factory default setting for the administration of control functions. Normally a router can be accessed from both the internet and your PC. However if the adminstration password is not reset to something of your choice then any malicious Internet user will gain access to the same functions from the Internet and in doing so will extract from the router your username and password, and it can be done in a matter of seconds.

Prevention can be achieved by, either changing the adminstrator username and password or by activating the router to what is called “bridged mode”. The Bridged mode option then requires you the user,to make use of a PPPoE session which then requires a “click” to connection option versus a “always on option”

It is also advisable to make sure that the firewall on the router is enabled.

Should you experience difficulties in making the necessary changes to your router, kindly contact our helpdesk on 10215 and an agent will assist you.

Kind regards,

Telkom Internet Abuse
E Mail – abuse@telkomsa.net
Tel: 10215
International: +27 12 678 5502
=========================================================
NB: This e-mail and its contents are subject to the Telkom SA Limited
e-mail legal notice which can be viewed at:
http://www.telkom.co.za/TelkomEMailLegalNotice.PDF
Should you be unable to access the link provided, a copy of the legal notice
will be e-mailed to you on sending a blank e-mail to
legalnotice@telkom.co.za
=========================================================

2 Comments »

House of Impossible Bureaucracy

November 27th, 2007 | by | old season

Nov
27

This evening, old friend Kyknoord and I met up for our fortnightly meal, which we call “coffee”. As usual, we found each other in the inconveniently located House of Coffees in Canal Walk*.

As we settled in for our usual chat our waiter, “Ryan” if that is his real name, came over and took our order. I decided to have the “Smoked Chicken and Bacon Tramezzini”. Ryan repeated this to me as a “Smoked Chicken Tramezzini” and, on being corrected, assured me that it was the same thing.

Time passed. Not the sort of time during which canyons are carved in the naked rock by the paper and the scissors, but some time. Then the food arrived. After eating my fries, I set about tackling the Tramezzini itself, only to find that it included avocado.

I don’t eat avocado. Its not that I think it tastes unpleasant. I know that it tastes unpleasant. Being allergic, every single avo eating experience I have ever had is associated with an uncomfortable burning sensation in my mouth at best, and a swelling in the throat that makes it difficult to breathe at worst. Needless to say, I was pretty sure that I had not accidentally ordered something that contained the stuff, so I called Ryan over.

Ryan insisted that this tramezzini always came with avo and that this fact was clearly stated on the menu. When I asked him to bring me a menu he pointed to the cardboard special sign on the table that was advertising a “Chicken, Avo & Bacon Tramezzini”. When the menu arrived, after I had to ask for it again rather sharply, I was able to point out the exact item I ordered. Smoked Chicken. Bacon. C’est tout!

Apologies were issued, and Ryan agreed that they would make me a new one. We even had a discussion about allergic reactions and the fact that I actually needed a new meal and not just the old meal the avo scraped off. Then time resumed its passage.

Considerable passage, until Kyk had finished his meal. By-and-by Ryan returned to tell me that “things” might take longer than usual because they were unable to void the incorrect order without the manager. Naturally, I assumed he was concerned about the bill and told him not to worry, as long as the updated order had been sent to the kitchen.

How wrong I was. As it turns out, Ryan was unable, nay, unwilling to send my correct order to the kitchen until the manager was available to void his previous mistake. The manager, in turn, was unavailable because she had some other voiding to take care of. According to Ryan, she was on a “bathroom break”.

At this point my head was so close to exploding that I was actually willing to wait the situation out. I am most grateful to Kyk for seeing what needed to be done and offering to pay for the non-existent meal on the understanding that we would never again darken the door of House of Coffees, and would not hesitate to explain why on the Internet, in the press and on radio. For your unmitigated enjoyment, I have included a scan of the bill including the invoidable meal which will be the last item for which House of Coffees ever has the opportunity to bill me.

I believe that the mark of good service is not enjoying a satisfactory experience when everything goes as planned, but enjoying a satisfactory experience when something unforeseen takes place. The inflexible unprofessionalism of Ryan, his cavalier attitude to his customers’ orders, and the long-term absence of management left the House of Coffees dead in the starting blocks tonight. The food industry in particular has a high bar when it comes to customer experience. When something goes wrong with a meal, something far more than the commercial transaction is tainted. A moment of fellowship between friends or family is also made less pleasant. People who usually eat alone value culinary companionship more than most, and a ruined order can equate to a ruined evening.

In our case, something could be salvaged. We took ourselves off to Fego Caffé, where the staff kindly kept the kitchen open long enough for me to order a meal. Strangely, it seems that I was destined not to eat bacon+ tonight. Fego is strictly halaal, which means that I was obliged to settle for a most delicious chicken and mushroom tramezzini, which Eric served suitably bereft of avocado.

*: Three things: 1) Its non-local for both of us, which seems fair. 2) We won’t be going there again. 3) Don’t stalk us, we’ll stalk you.

+: Some of you will know why this is funny. Mysterious ways indeed!

No Comments »

Spam that Undermines

September 21st, 2007 | by | old season

Sep
21

I have just received the following message from an Internet marketing agent. Only the link has been changed to prevent the bastard from getting hits.

On 21 Sep 2007, at 00:08 , burak SYSOI wrote:

http://www.example.com/
Yo yo yo andrew
get rid of that self-esteem once and for all.
burak SYSOI

Thanks Burak! You are a ray of frikkin’ sunshine!

No Comments »

Banking Delights

May 19th, 2007 | by | old season

May
19

On Thursday of last week I received a voice mail, apparently from my bank, asking that I phone them about my credit cards. The number they left connected me to their call centre, after which the following conversation took place:

Me: Good morning. I’m returning a call about my credit cards.

Bank Employee: Sir, could you please give me your credit card number.

Me: Surely you mean my account number?

BE: No, Sir! Just read me the number printed on your credit card.

Me: I’m sorry, but I’m not giving you my credit card number over the phone!

BE: Why not, Sir?

Me: Because I don’t have any idea who you are!

BE: But Sir! I am Vernon from FNB!

Yeah right! I had to explain to Vernon that, from my perspective, anybody could have left me that voice mail and that he could just be claiming to be from FNB. I pointed out that this looked like a textbook phishing scam, and asked him to think about how this must seem to me.

Amid much exasperated sighing, Vernon ironically put me through the bank’s customer identification protocol and found my card details himself. Of course, the process also allowed me to satisfy myself that I really was speaking to an FNB call centre.

Things turned out for the best after all. The bank was trying to find out where to ship my new cards, as the existing ones expire in a few months. Nevertheless, the entire experience left me with a sense of unease.

My bank insists on an identification interrogation whenever I call them. Unless my accounts comply with the FICA laws, they could be frozen. The same bank, however, is surprised when I refuse to divulge my credit card details telephonically on the strength of a voice mail message. Something is wrong here!

It seems to me that many people would simply have given out their card number. This convenient course of action could undoubtedly expose them to financial risk. While the banks of South Africa are at great pains to train their customers in the avoidance of computer based phishing, the good old human factor has been overlooked.

Curiously, in this post-9/11 world, we have become so accustomed to identifying ourselves subserviently to institutions by means of numbers, documents, and biometric data that we run the risk of overlooking the nature of the information that we give to complete strangers.

Trust is a two-way street. Our laws require banks to assume by default that we are criminals. They, in turn, should not be surprised when this culture of suspicion is turned upon them. Sometimes, when you look at their service charges, this seems strangely appropriate.

No Comments »

Because I was Asked

April 30th, 2007 | by | old season

Apr
30

It has been a slow blogging month for me. A lot has been happening, and I have not been at my most focussed. That said, some progress has been made. Today, I threw out an entire wheelie-bin full of computer junk from my garage. The remaining pile of junk does not look any smaller.

If any reader wishes to purchase a brand new 56K internal modem, or a USB ISDN external modem, both unused and in their original packaging, please let me know. Prices will be at cost or below.

While bringing you news from the market place, I should mention that some people very flatteringly believe that I have some sway over customer service, or that someone other than Kyknoord reads by blog. I recently received the following communication from Ms Nadia Coetzee.

Good Morning Andrew

I have to tell you what happened to me this morning with the hope that you’ll print this in your next issue.
I went to the Standard Bank in Parklands, Main Road, this morning just before 7am to draw money to put petrol in my car. Well I did that and then I went to fill up at the BP Garage in Link Rd just before you go onto the West Coast Rd. when I took out the money to pay I saw that the one R50 note was torn in the upper right corner, but it almost looks like it’s been chewed off. So when I payed the guy told me that they can’t accept the R50 note because of this but the more I told him that I just withdrew the money at the ATM a few minutes ago, he just kept saying that if he sends it to the bank they’ll give him only half back, R25 so which means I had to draw money again but at the ATM at this garage one could only drew the amount of R1000 and more. So I had to go and pay with my Check Card, which is almost like a credit card because you don’t put in a PIN number. So then I got charged and EXTRA 5% because I paid with a “Credit Card”.

Now tell me why this happened in the beginning, why doesn’t the Bank prevent things like this now we,the public,have to pay for their Incompetence.
Should they not make sure that things like this do not happen?
Their Stupid Mistake/Ignorance was turned into my problem. Due to all of this I was late for work too.
I would really be glad if you can print this in your next issue to let the rest of the public aware of this.
[Contact details removed.]

Thank You.
Ms.Nadia Coetzee

Nadia, I don’t know who you are but I thank you for your interest and sympathise with your plight. Ster Kinekor at Bayside recently claimed that they could not accept party of a movie ticket payment in 5 cent coins because the banks don’t accept them. I insisted, and toyed with plans to pay for my next movie ticket in 5 cent coins only.

The simple fact is that this is bollocks. As long as the major part of a note is present, the banks will accept it and simply remove it from circulation, returning it to the SA Mint for recycling. Furthermore, South Africa is unique in that none of its currency has ever been officially withdrawn as legal tender. You could, in fact, go to pay for your movie tickets using 1923 pennies if you wanted to. The only problem is that you would be stupid to do so, since 1923 pennies are be worth somewhat more than their face value of 0.83 of a cent.

Companies do refuse to accept strange coins for their own convenience. I suppose that this is fine within reason, but when it applies to recently minted currency such as 5c, and even 1c and 2c pieces, it is ridiculous and should not be tolerated.

I would furthermore question the 5% surcharge you had to pay on your petrol. As far as I am aware, it is illegal to buy petrol with a credit card, and illegal to charge a surcharge based on the means by which you pay. In my view, you were ripped off. However, I am not a lawyer and could be wrong about some or all of the details above.

Additional insight from my readers would be appreciated very much.

No Comments »

An open letter to eBucks.com

October 2nd, 2003 | by | old season

Oct
02

Why do I always seem to be bitching?

I am posting this here because the eBucks electronic banking site does not have a complaint form large enough to take my message. It is trucated about a 3rd of the way through. I have requested a proper E-mail address to which I can send it and will pass it along in due course.

To start with, though, let us turn our attentions to Exhibit A: The second letter of apology in a week that I received from them because their site is broken.

> —–Original Message—–
> From: First National Bank [mailto:info@ebucks.com]
> Sent: 02 October 2003 20:23
> To: andrewf@yebo.co.za
> Subject: FNB compensates customers
>
> Dear Andrew
>
> ‘The customer is a holy cow. He is not there to be milked,
> he’s there to be WORSHIPPED!’ (Dame Anita Roddick).
>
> I am sure you are not feeling very worshipped at this stage
> but I cannot emphasize enough how aware we are of how you
> have been inconvenienced. My team and I apologise, again, for this.
>
> The technical problems in the system are being ironed out and
> we have already seen substantial improvement in performance.
>
> Our problems have been the result of unprecedented
> transaction volume growth, to the extent that we have reached
> the volumes that were only projected for next year,
> necessitating significant advancement of our plans for
> systems capacity. Because of this the Bank will be performing
> further maintenance on the site on Sunday morning (October 5)
> from 00h00, which will be completed by 07h00 the same day.
> Therefore the site will be offline for seven hours over what
> is traditionally the quietest period of the Internet Banking week.
>
> In terms of a service backup, we have an enlarged Call Centre
> team dedicated to our Internet Banking customers. This team
> is capable of executing transactions by phone on your behalf
> as an alternative to the Internet if required. This Call
> Centre (0860 328 257) is open 07h00 – 24h00 Monday to
> Saturday and from 08h00-13h00 on Sunday.
>
> We cannot emphasize enough how much FNB appreciates your
> support, and we thank you for bearing with us through this
> time. As a gesture of appreciation for our ongoing
> relationship with you, and as we continue to enhance our
> capacity FNB will be refunding fees on all Internet Banking
> transactions initiated during the month of October. We hope
> this gesture will go some way to restoring our relationship.
>
> Yours sincerely,
>
> Wendy Lucas-Bull
> CEO: FNB Retail

Really professional, I am sure that you agree. My response is this:

Dear Sir or Madam

As a computer programmer, I find it very hard to believe that an increase in the volume of transactions broke your eBucks system in the space of a week. Unless thousands of new customers suddenly started using the system at the same time, I would imagine these problems are caused by an ill-planned attempt at upgrading the system, perhaps during the time it was annoyingly offline on 24 or 25 September.

Nevertheless, the torrent of amateurish apology letters that have followed your little disaster do you no credit at all. Wallowing in self pity over your alleged popularity is much less impressive than fixing your system and placing these obsequious messages on the front page of your site makes me wonder whether I want to use it at all.

You are, however, entitled to run your business as you see fit. From my perspective, that entitlement extends up to the point where you insult me, and insult me you have.

I don’t want free transactions for the month of October. I want the transactions that took me 30 minutes to perform during September to be free because that is where your inept planning cost me money! I want a refund on the interest charged on my cheque account when it was overdrawn because I could not use eBucks.com.

This throwing of sops to your customers while they stare into the face of a service horror story is a standard South African trick. Too many companies care about their customers only when they are in danger of losing them. I would rather you did nothing to “compensate” me and spent your energies restoring the reliability of your system. Your customers depend on your engineers for their banking, not your spin doctors.

Please remove that silly message from your front page to avoid further damage to your image and always remember, “Competence means never having to say you are sorry.”

Andrew Freeborn

Worship the cow, baby.

No Comments »